Another Update - Another Two Weeks Wasted

Well...got my update today. Still nothing. NOTHING!!! No one has even looked at my darn file. So - still waiting to get kicked back out so I can get back in & wait again. ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

I have come to the conclusion that "In PGN" actually stands for "In Purgatory & Going Nowhere." I always think I am prepared for this type of bad news...and then when it comes I am never ready for it.

On a more hopeful note...my parents have helped me do a lot of painting, and Lilly's room is pretty much done and ready for the crib (though at this pace she'll be too bog for a crib by the time she gets home!). So...here are some pictures of the nursery in progress.

My Own Personal Advent

They say people cope with the wait of adoption in many different ways. One way I have been handling it is by treating it like one long, personal Advent season. Liturgically it seems to fit - I am preparing myself for the arrival of a child, just like the concept of Advent before Christmas. Advent is a time a waiting and preparation, so it has seemed a good parallel for me during this time. Soooo...I have been using an Advent Calendar to help me mark my wait.

Lilly was born on a Thursday. Then, three weeks later she came into my life on a Thursday. So, I have been marking my wait by removing one "block" from my advent calendar every Thursday. Well...Today she is officially 24 weeks old, and so Santa Clause fell into the fireplace on my Advent Calendar. What is so fitting is that today is also our 3 month "anniversary" of being in PGN. So...it seems those symbols appropriately converged today.

What seems silly to confess is that I have been really wondering what I would do to mark my wait once I hit today. Should I move one block a day and maybe go through the calendar 2-3 more times? Do I start over and put Santa back at the top of the chimney and keep with the Thursday plan? I can honestly say I haven't decided yet. I am leaning towards putting one block back in every Thursday and praying I don't get all the way through again. Oh please God, let us be more than halfway done with our wait!

Happy 1/2 Birthday Jackson!

Well...the wait continues. No real news to pass along. Heard a hopeful and positive (and hopefully true) rumor today from my case manager that the police harassment has calmed down and that the medical visits will be reinstated...yeah! And...hopefully that the travel ban will be lifted in another couple weeks. So...in holding out hope for that I went ahead and re-booked the plans to go visit her at Thanksgiving. We shall see...my fingers and toes and eyes are all crossed wishing it to be true. But, if not, we just pay the change fee and use the tickets to go pick her up SOMEDAY at the end of all of this.

But...today I wanted to wish Mr. Jackson a very happy 6 month birthday! This is the picture Kendra shared with me from his September appointment/pictures (about a month ago). Isn't he a cutie???? As hard as this adoption roller coaster is...it would be exponentially harder without dear friends going through it at the same time. That has been such a blessing.

I cannot wait until the day when Jackson and Lilly look back on all these pictures their parents have shared with everyone in absolute embarassment. By then...this agonizing waiting will be a very distant memory. Until then...please continue to keep us all in your prayers.

More Upsetting News

After my disheartening news on Monday, I had decided that I needed to go back to Guatemala sooner rather than later. If I am not going to be able to bring her hom until January or February, I need to see her again! So, this morning I sent of the reservation to the hotel to spend a long Thanksgiving weekend in Guatemala City with little Lilly.

Then about 2 hours later I received the bad news that teh agency has suspended all visit trips to Guatemala, and all physician appointments for the children for the safety of the babies & foster families. Apparently in the past few days the police have been harassing the foster mothers at the western hotels as well as at the pediatrician offices that serve the adoption community. There is word that there was some sort of a raid by the police at the Marriott last night. Details are pretty sketchy. But, the agency has said that it just isn't safe to put the foster fmaiies or babies in that situation, so we cannot go visit. I am glad they are putting the safety of the children first. But, it just heightens my desire to get her out of there as soon as I can!

I still have that feeling that she is standing on thin ice and I am just helplessly watching it melt and crack.

Please keep us in your prayers....Carrie

Got My Case Update :(

Received my case update from the adoption agency today: no change. I am still in PGN and still waiting to get kicked out. Very disapointing, but not really shocking.

It is just so aggravating to know my case is sitting in some file and is on someone's desk just sitting there and no one has even looked at it - and it has been there almost THREE MONTHS (since July 26th)!!!

Meanwhile, Lilly is growing up and I am missing it - and the file is still sitting there getting dusty. I can't be approved until I get kicked out and re-enetered and then get put back on someone's desk - and God only knows how long it will take once we are back in?!?!? Another three months?!?!?!?

Please keep us in your prayers. I need prayers of patience and trust and a calm heart. And please pray that the file gets looked at soon so we can keep things moving forward. My dreams of having her home by the end of the year are quickly fading......

I Got Pictures!

Was delighted to find two emails in my inbox this morning from the agency - with the September AND October Medical Updates w/ pictures. YEA!!! The really amazing thing is that the October appointment was yesterday - so the October pictures are less than 24 hours old!!! Amazing! The top picture was taken yesterday. The next two were taken in September. Her hair is getting long!!!

The other good news from our family today is that Maren found out she passed the Virginia Bar!!! Yea!!! I know Lilly is as proud of her Tia Maren as the rest of us!

She's 5 Month's Old Today!

Sooo Big! Well..I am sure she is. I just don't know how big since I am not there! Hard missing another milestone today. Harder not knowing how many more I will have to miss. Several folks asked me today if I was going to have her home by Christmas...and I had to answer honestly...I don't know, but it isn't looking promising. So - I hope so, but I doubt it.

I loved this picture (below) where she was sleeping on her belly on my lap at the hotel. You can see the ring around her mouth from the pacifier and she was just too cute. But - that picture was almost two months ago.

I wonder how she has changed?

Just Checking In - Nothing New to Report

I don't really have any update to share...but I thought I would post anyway. I like this picture of Lilly from my visit trip as it is sort of how I feel right now...ZONKED! Wish I could say "just wake me when its all over," but of course it doesn't really work that way!

I am now about a month overdue for pictures from Lilly's September medical visit, but since she will probably go to the pediatrician again this week (she turns 5 months on Wednesday!!!), I am going to wait until Thursday to call and start pestering folks.

The good news of the week is that several other families I care a lot about had great weeks on the adoption front. My friends Kendra & Coop got pre approval AND pictures (I swear - I really am not jealous). Then, my case manager Heidi FINALLY got to go pick up her daughter in Guatemala with her Embassy appointment on Friday. She and her husband Chad had already adopted a baby girl about 2 years ago, and now have adopted an older, "waiting" child who is 6 years old. I am so happy for them - Karina needs to get home as soon as she can. Its a much tougher transition for a 6 year old than for someone who's age is measured in months. Then, finally, my internet friend Amy also was able to finally get her Embassy appointment Friday, and she will be bringing Gabi home for good on Sunday. She had a long, hard struggle with PGN and didn't get out of PGN until she was in Guatemala visiting for Gabi's first birthday. So - I definitely don't begrudge any of those families their great weeks!

That said, I did have a grouchy/falling off the wagon day on Thursday. Stupidly, I logged onto the email listservs I had stopped reading (because they made me grouchy) and saw a family posting about how they were "finally" out of PGN after being "stuck" for 7 weeks. Of course, I have been in PGN 2 1/2 months and am just hoping to get kicked out so I can get back in. So, that sent me over the edge. Ugh. Trying to get back to the good place I had been the couple weeks where I was focused on being excited to be her mom instead of focused on what I am missing. But, some days are easier than others.

So - that's the news from Newport News. I promise to post some of the video as soon as I get some technical assistance. And, as soon as I get September or October pictures, I promise to post those too. Please keep us in your prayers...especially that we hurry up & get kicked out so we can get back in!

Today's Update - good news, bad news and amusing news

Thank you so much for all of your support and good wishes in the past few days. As you can see from the blog, Thursday and Friday were very difficult days for me. But, things seem to be going a little better in Guatemala right now (all things being relative, of course).

GOOD NEWS: Best I can put together - the President & First Lady have withdrawn the Executive Order at this point. Don't know if or when it will re-surface, but the State Department is telling us that "it is no longer a threat." I very much want to believe them, but I am (understandably) cautious. So - theoretically - international adoptions can continue as usual in Guatemala for the time being.

BAD NEWS: In the practical (and selfish) reality of "what does this mean for Lilly and me," it is unclear. I got news today that my case update is "no change." I am still in PGN and still waiting to be kicked out. While I had hoped for better news...this is exactly what I expected. With all of the turmoil of the past few weeks, I did not think that PGN would be processing anything, but would instead wait to see the outcome of the executive order issue before moving forward. Hopefully now that is settled someone can dig my file out of the pile and kick me out so I can hurry up and get back in. I especially want to be out before the end of the year now in case this issue flares up again at the January 1 deadline that has been mentioned.

AMUSING NEWS: The funny part of this is more of an anecdote than news...but here goes....

Friday I was still so upset from everything that I really wasn't thinking very clearly. I was going to Asheville, NC for the weekend to meet up with old friends, but I was so distraught Thursday night that I couldn't pack. So, I left work a little earlier than planned Friday to run home and throw some clothes in a bag before heading to the airport. When I got home, there was a FedEx envelope at my front door. I had been expecting a video from Guatemala, as one of the social workers had been to visit the various foster families. So, I was suddenly thrilled, ripped open the envelop and ran to the TV. Well, the disc wouldn't play in my DVD player. So, I headed upstairs and tried my computer. No luck. So, I threw everything in a suitcase & ran back by work on the way to the airport to try that computer. Again, no luck. So, I headed to the airport w/ the DVD in my purse and caught my flight. Once in Atlanta, my connecting flight was delayed 2 1/2 hours, so I wandered around the holding this DVD but unable to see it. So - I got the great idea to go to one of those portable DVD rental places to see if it would play. They let me try, but it didn't work. Then they changed my gate, so I changed terminals. There was another DVD rental place, so I thought I would try again (wasn't anything else to do anyway!). First time didn’t work, but the lady behind the counter was so helpful and suggested trying it on one of the expensive models that they just sell (but don't rent). Low and behold...up pops a file...titled "Marcus Enrique." I thought that was weird, but I was so excited I didn't care. Then up pops this video. I am staring at it and it wasn't Lilly. I thought "maybe she's just changed a lot..." but the more I stared at the baby, the more I knew it wasn't her. Looked like a little boy in overalls...maybe 5-6 months old. Cute kid...just not my kid. So I said something like..."oh, that's not my child," and the lady behind the counter says "well, he does look Hispanic." So, I tried to explain that my child was Hispanic, that just wasn't her.

So, disappointed, I head on my way to NC and had a lovely weekend. When I got home Sunday night, I swung by my friend Kendra's house (who is also adopting) to see her video, as hers was working on her computer. So, I got to see cute little Jackson and was so jealous they had a video! Then we decided to put in the DVD of Marcus Enrique to compare videos...and up pops a video of Lilly!!!! I was so surprised and so shocked! It was wonderful to see her (she looks great) and I just got to enjoy her for 7 1/2 minutes! The funniest part was that the foster mother said how Lilly had developed some "serious issues" since she had returned from her week w/ me. She is now much more demanding of attention and is much more spoiled!!! Its nice to know she misses me. The foster mother also said Lilly listens to a tape of me reading stories every night as she is falling asleep. And, she is now calling her Lilly Marta (instead of her birth name)...but she still also answers to "princessa."

So, to prove to Kendra & Coop that I wasn’t totally nuts…we tried the disc in their portable DVD player…and low and behold, there is Marcus Enrique and not Lilly. Way beyond me…but it was GREAT to see her.

So now…we just continue to wait. I am so confident I will get to bring her home at some point. I just have no idea when that might be. So…continued prayers would be appreciated. Specifically – prayers for a speedy approval process, for calm in the adoption system in Guatemala, and for Lilly to continue to thrive where she is.

If I can figure out how to post any of the video, I promise I will. Thank you for patience and understanding in all of this!