Can't Wait 'Til 2007

I love these four pics as they just crack me up. Makes me think of how I feel right now...maybe news soon? maybe not? could things go really well and quickly or will we hit more road blocks? ?????

I think the best description of this process is that it is like the old childhood game Chutes and Ladders. Some times you get to fly up a big ladder and sometimes you have to slide way back down. Getting out of Minor's Court was a great ladder...but I am still nervous that I will get stuck and have to slide back down again.

Thanks for everyone who has checked up on my ankle situation. I am pleased to report I have now spent two days without crutches. Its still pretty sore (and really bruised & ugly) but it is certainly making progress and headed in the right direction.

I am really ready for 2007. 2006 was an amazing year...the year my daughter was born, and the year I got to hold her in my arms for the first time. But, it was also when I had to give her back to the foster family twice. But, in about 10 hours it will be the year that I will get to have her in my arms forever. I know that is still probably months away. But, somehow it feels better to know it is the same year.

Wishing you a Prospero Ano Nuevo!
Hurry Up '07 I know you're gonna be a great year!!!

Survived Christmas

Well...I made it through my last Christmas without Lilly (please God let that be so!). I had thought I was emotionally prepared for Christmas without her, but parts of the day caught me off guard. Being worn out from being in pain from my ankle probably didn't help but I did stumble across a few hidden emotional landmines.

Started in church, which surprised me. Headed out to my Dad's little country church for Christmas Eve service and there were these three adorable little Hispanic babies which of course reminded me instantly that Lilly was not here in the church with us. Then Christmas Day I called Lilly's foster mother for the first time to wish her a Feliz Navidad and hopefully hear Lil on the phone. The first time I called I could hear Lilly crying in the background and Amarillis asked me to call back in about 30 minutes so she could give her her bath. So, for the first time I actually knew exactly what Lilly was doing in Guatemala. But, instead of feeling comforting (like I thought it would) it was just sad. I knew what I was missing! I called later and talked to Amarillis...well...she tealked a lot and I think I understood a good chunk. I could make out that Lilly had been sick and on antibiotics for 8 days. I tried to ask if it was sinus or stomach or what...and it sounded like it was from the teething pain. Not really something we use antibiotics for here in the States...but what are you going to do? Then she put Lilly on the phone. And, totally appropriate to her 7 month old self she got immediately silent and tried to eat the phone best I could tell. I could hear Amarillis telling her "say hola to your mami," which somehow seemed really sad.

My totally understanding and saintly family put up with me not only being moody but gimpy as well all weekend and even took me home early when I was just too worn out at the family Christmas gathering (still couldn't really drive w/ the bum leg).

I keep trying to be upbeat and put a positive spin on everything...like this will be my last Christmas without Lilly, or better to be on crutches when she is not here, etc - but I am quite frankly really tired of trying to be positive about things that stink!!!

But, as I crawled (litterally) exhausted into bed at 8:30 last night (also litterally) I was pleased that I had survived Christmas (ok - and grateful for the major pain meds that lovely ED doc gave me Friday night). Some parts made me sad. Some parts made me hopeful. And, my wonderful family is so supportive that some parts were fun and joyful. There were a couple little tears, but no major breakdowns, so that was good. And, in only 5 more days it will be 2007 which is the year Lilly will come home.

Feliz Navidad

Just wanted to wish everyone a muy Feliz Navidad.

Sprained my ankle Friday evening and ended up on crutches after a night in my hospital's emergency dept (for all you RHS folks the wait was short and service was great...phew). Anyway...having crutches and not having Lilly is NOT how my heart had pictured this Christmas. But, as I was in the ED with my mom Friday night I said to her that even with the ankle nonsense, this Friday was better than the previous Friday when I had gotten into such a gross phone call with my agency. This week I know I am out of Minor's Court! And, I am going to try to call Lilly tomorrow. Hope it works and I hope they are home and she is awake when I call!!!

So...crutches are ok...just a reminder of the many people I have had to lean on this year to make it through all this nonsense. And...heck...I am QUICKLY building that upper arm strength. This is just my little bicep training crash course so I will be all strong when she comes home.

Hope you have a wonderful Christmas. And, if you are blessed enough to be with those people most important to you this holiday, give them a great big hug and don't be the first one to let go. Love, C

PRAISE GOD WE ARE OUT OF MINOR'S COURT!!!

Just got an email from my 2 guardian angels/Santa's helpers (my "new" lawyers) and they told me our file was released from Minor's Court / Investigation in a "favorable way"!!!! YEA!!! SANTA CAME EARLY !!!

While it has been almost 3 months that we have been in investigation, I had been told to expect we would be there for several more months. But they decided it was clearly a typo and there was no fraud involved...YEA!!! So now our file goes back "upstairs" (Minor's Court is physically located in the basement of PGN) to be sent to a reviewing attorney to find the 2 problems we know of and have him issue the previos and then have his boss sign off on it and get kicked out. As everyone is basically on vacation through the rest of the year, that will happen early January. SOOOOOO I am HOPING for a kick out mid January. Then I wait on the birth certificate to be corrected (not letting that burst my bubble today) and then re-submit with that and my embassy pre-approval. Still a long road ahead...but I feel like I have been granted a shorter sentance in PGN!

Pretty amazing timing with my story of the homeless man praying for me yesterday huh? I need to have him pray for Lilly and I more often!

Hoping Santa brings you what you want for Christmas...he already did for me.

God Works in Mysterious Ways

Thursday and Friday were very frustrating adoption days (or maybe now it should be my adoption DAZE), but I had an amazing experience in church this morning that makes it all feel more survivable.

At the end of this week I was finally able to get my agency to admit that the lawyer hasn't actually started the process to fix the birth certificate. Well - first they said they didn't know if they had fixed it or not. That sent me into ballistic mode and then Friday I was told they realized they hadn't started to fix it yet.

When I was in GC for my first visit I noticed that there was a mistake on Lilly's bc misstating the birthmother's age. I know these kinds of problems are significant and let my agency know right away (yes - that would be 4 MONTHS AGO). Since then I have been asking about it frequently and kept being told not to worry that the lawyers were totally aware of the problem and had it under control. Well, I have now got some additional folks helping me in GC who had pulled the bc from the Civil Registry in November and discovered it hadn't been corrected. So, now the agency is telling me that the lawyer has started the process (I know it is a long process which is why I have been so persistent about getting it done) and that I should just "trust that the lawyer is working on it and not ask every day." AARRRRGGGGHHH!!!! It is really enough to drive one to drink.

So, this week has been one of trying to handle my anger, distrust and utter frustration at all of this. While my instinct is to call and just cuss out anyone and everyone involved, my brain knows perfectly well that would harm my situation. So, I have to play nice and placate these aggravating people. I have also been struggling because I really have trusted my caseworker through all of this. I still want to trust her, and I have been struggling with whether or not she is just willingly naive or if I need to through her in the pile with all the other aggravating folks. I know that sounds minor, but for some reason it feels big. (Lil's expression in this pic sums up my feelings).

AND, the other part is that I had told my agency that I had hired these new folks in GC to help get more information (only told them since Pablo - the agency rep - saw me meeting with them). But, when I told my caseworker I specifically asked them not to let my main lawyer know. Well, they told me Friday that he knows about it, so I need to back off a little. Just hurts that I have trusted these folks and they did exactly what I asked them not to do. And, I still have to trust them as they are the only ones who can get my daughter home!

So - this is the mindset I entered the weekend with, and the one I went to church this morning with. Now - for those of you who aren't familiar with my church- it is an inner city church, and the service I attend is pretty much all homeless men and me and the priest. There is a more "conventional" congregation at the later service, but I have been going to the early one throughout the adoption as these guys are experts at living in the moment. And, they don't ask me tons of questions about Lilly. They will ask "where da baby at" and I will say she's in Guatemala, and they are totally satisfied with that answer. So, in many ways it has been a safe shelter for me through all of this. So, today after the service one of the guys pulled me aside in the back of the church asking if he could speak to me a minute. It was someone I recognized, but I did not know his name or his story. I was sort of preparing myself for him to ask me for money or a bus token or something, which is something I get a couple times a year. But, he surprised me. Here I was thinking he was asking me for help, but he had the help. He said he didn't know my name but that when he had been praying in church God had revealed to him that I was struggling with a heavy burden and that he was supposed to pray for me. Totally caught me off guard! So, I told him about Lilly and that I had learned of some frustrating delays this week and was struggling with them. He said, well God feels your burden and I just had to share that with you and I will be praying for you. Then he went off to get the breakfast after the service and I was just there trying to absorb what had just happened.

Today's readings and sermons were about getting rid of the greed in our lives. The reading said if you have two coats and see someone without one, give it to him. And, then Isabel (my priest) said that many of the folks didn't have 2, or maybe even one coat, but that the point was to not be greedy (and I was thinking of my 5+ coats in my closet). So here I was thinking about the THINGS that I should share when this man came up and ministered to me. God does work in mysterious ways.

She's 7 Months Old!

Lilly turned 7 months old yesterday! My prayer is that sometime in the next 5 months she comes home. I reeeeaaaaallllllly want to have her home before her first birthday! I got another email from Amarillis, and she said Lilly is doing well and growing every day. No real news from a case perspective. Still arguing with my agency about getting proof the birth certificate is fixed...but its a moot point until I get out of investigation anyway, which could still be months, so I haven't gotten toooo nasty yet (but I have been very clear in warning them the nasty me will come out if I don't get it fixed). And, about this time of year everyone in PGN (and Minors Court) goes on vacation anyway. Can't really complain - this is a terribly unproductive time everywhere in the world. The holiday slackerness is certainly not limited to the Guatemalan legal system!

Put my tree up this weekend. First thing on it was the lights that I take with me to the hotel room in Guatemala (so I don't have to turn on the main hotel room light in the middle of the night for bottle feedings). Second thing was her silver rattle - first "ornament" on my tree. It reminds me that she will be here for Christmases to come...and that some day it will hang in her home for her Christmases (thank you Ginny for the perfect gift!).

Thought I would post a couple pics. Some from Guatemala (she's showing Granpa Jack who is boss), one of the rattle on the tree, and one of my cat that cracks me up. My heat hasn't been working reliably. The thermostat read 49 degrees on Saturday! But, Sunday it worked most of the day and so of course I let the house get really toasty. I found my kitty wedged between a base heater and the basking sunlight coming in the storm door. It was hilarious. It was like he had to soak in every ounce of warmth in case his crazy mom let the house get cold again!

Progress

No - not that kind of progress. My update from the "new" lawyers today is that they went and checked in at Minors Court (where the investigation is done) and there is nothing to report, which they said will probably be the case for the next several months. But, I am still glad they go check it out, remind the court someone cares, and then let me KNOW nothing is happening as opposed to WONDERING if nothing is happening. Its all a head-game...but somehow that is easier!

Anyway - the progress was actually two fold...on the petty side - I finally unpacked my suitcases and moved them from the floor in the living room and dining room where they have been the past 8 days. That is progress! My cat no longer thinks I am about to leave him again. While 8 days is a pitifully long time - I can plead illness...I caught that ugly GI bug that normal people got rid of in 2 days but took me 4-5 (but, hey, I lost 7-8 lbs!). So, today I am feeling good again, so the suitcases were the first to go.

BUT - the FUN part of today was that I got an email from Amarillis!!!! It is the first time she has emailed me (left my email address with her over Thanksgiving and have been religiously checking my yahoo account ever since). I am not really sure I am "supposed" to email the foster family but I am to the point where I don't really give a flying fig what I am "supposed" to do. Anyway, it was of course in Spanish so I called Maren at home and she patiently listened while I tried to read it (much to the amusement of my co-workers who could hear me I am sure) and she translated it back sentence by sentence. The challenging part was that it wasn't just Spanish - it was email shorthand spanish (like LOL etc). So...I still don't know what "q d q" means, but some of life's mysteries are best left unsolved I guess. But, she said Lilly (or 'princesa' as she calls her) is doing great and growing every day. She said she was a bit "intranquila" when we left but that little by little she was calming down back to her old self. As terrible as it is to take joy in your child's unhappiness...I must admit that knowing she recognizes my absence in someway makes me feel really really good. I don't want her to miss me as much as I miss her (that would be cruel and unusual punishment), but I do want her to miss me a little! AND Amarillis left her phone number so I can call and "listen to Lilly" whenever I want to. I am so blessed to have Amarillis!!!

Anyway - just thought I would share the good day and a couple more pics. I especially love the one of her dancing on the table. There was marimba (like a traditional Guatemalan xylophone that plays salsa-like music) music playing at an outside party and she was ready to get down. You can from the expression on her face how pleased she is with herself...love, c

Glimpses Into Life at Lilly's Foster Home

Just thought I would share some pictures that the foster family took on the disposable cameras I left with them. I am so glad they were willing to share their life with me! The other baby you see with Lilly is Jonathan, a second foster child who is about 3 months younger than Lilly. Aren't they adorable together? Not quite sure what the story is on the picture with the seemingly random Mormon missionaries. But, my current theory is that the foster family is Mormon. One of the things I found most interesting is the picture of her in the bouncy seat I left last time with the kitchen in the background. Looks like some propane tanks in the back...which I am assuming run teh stove. Anyway...very grateful for this glimpse into the world where my daughter is growing up!