STEPS FORWARD: 1 STEPS BACK: ????

When the ancient Chinese prophet said that the journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step, I am sure he was not talking about the Guatemalan adoption process. This journey is an intricate labyrinth of ladders ahead, chutes back down, mysterious "time outs" and rules of engagement than really seem to be made up as they go.

I got a case update today: a mixture of good & confusing news. Good news - I was kicked out of PGN (finally - after 6 months and 3 monthsof that in investigation!!!). The confusing news: they didn't kick me out for the 2 problems I know I have (birth certificate typo that caused the investigation & lack of pre-approval paperwork). No, instead they kicked me out because I don't have Lilly's current medical write up attached to the file. Well...no $hit Sherlock...the file has been locked up in PGN for 6 months so how could I get them a current medical?!?!?!?!?!?!? A lot of this process seems silly to me...but that one is just so ridiculous I can't comprehend it.

But- initially I thought...well, no problem, we get the new medical & then submit the other two things at the same time. And, if teh birth certificate isn't fixed yet we just wait on that and re-submit all at once. But, then my lovely agency said that was really not my call and that I needed to trust my lawyer (the one who has had 4 months to fix teh bc and hasn't done it). Well, lets just say that didn't sit well with me, and I quickly shared that with them. So...not totally sure where we stand. Still don't know when they expect the bc to be fixed. So....while I have been waiting for months to finally get kicked out, the day has come and it is not what I had hoped for.

On a more cheery note...I did get pictures last week from her December doctor's appointment. But, that is when she was sick and you can see how pitiful she looks! SO, that just tore at my heart and even though I said I wasn't going to call her again, I just had to call to be sure she was feeling better. So, Saturday I called the foster family. And, my Spanish is really not up to a phone call...I do better with body language and gesturing to help me out. But, I soldiered through it. The news: She is totally recovered and feeling fine. Lilly has 2 teeth and is now sitting up on her own. She is eating chicken, potatoes, apple juice & some food I didn't recognize. I asked where the teeth were...and Amarillis answered...and I still have no idea. I have it narrowed down to three possible translations...they are either next to each other, on top of each other or not next to each other...which doesn't really help me get the picture! I was trying to ask if she was crawling, but couldn't find the word for crawl (still haven't found it). So...I tried to describe it...and then realized that I had asked if Lilly was walking without feet. Hmmm...not quite what I was going for. But, Amarillis was ever patient with me, though I did hear her laughing at some things I said and repeating for the benefot of Michelle & her friend who were there. They held the phone up so I could hear Lilly playing, and all of a sudden I hear this male voice in an American accent saying, "Say Hi." No clue...but my guess is he is the Mormom missionary boy from the picture (who I am guessing is the daughter's boyfriend...but that is admittedly reading a lot into things). Anyway, despite my efforts for them to put the mysterious American on the phone, they didn't. I bet he knows the word for crawl!

So...I continue to wait. I continue to get ready. And I continue to miss her. Please pray for a fast turn around on the birth certificate and a quick re-entry to PGN with a complete file for a quick OUT.

Thanks for joining us on this mixed up journey!!!!

Can't Wait 'Til 2007

I love these four pics as they just crack me up. Makes me think of how I feel right now...maybe news soon? maybe not? could things go really well and quickly or will we hit more road blocks? ?????

I think the best description of this process is that it is like the old childhood game Chutes and Ladders. Some times you get to fly up a big ladder and sometimes you have to slide way back down. Getting out of Minor's Court was a great ladder...but I am still nervous that I will get stuck and have to slide back down again.

Thanks for everyone who has checked up on my ankle situation. I am pleased to report I have now spent two days without crutches. Its still pretty sore (and really bruised & ugly) but it is certainly making progress and headed in the right direction.

I am really ready for 2007. 2006 was an amazing year...the year my daughter was born, and the year I got to hold her in my arms for the first time. But, it was also when I had to give her back to the foster family twice. But, in about 10 hours it will be the year that I will get to have her in my arms forever. I know that is still probably months away. But, somehow it feels better to know it is the same year.

Wishing you a Prospero Ano Nuevo!
Hurry Up '07 I know you're gonna be a great year!!!

Survived Christmas

Well...I made it through my last Christmas without Lilly (please God let that be so!). I had thought I was emotionally prepared for Christmas without her, but parts of the day caught me off guard. Being worn out from being in pain from my ankle probably didn't help but I did stumble across a few hidden emotional landmines.

Started in church, which surprised me. Headed out to my Dad's little country church for Christmas Eve service and there were these three adorable little Hispanic babies which of course reminded me instantly that Lilly was not here in the church with us. Then Christmas Day I called Lilly's foster mother for the first time to wish her a Feliz Navidad and hopefully hear Lil on the phone. The first time I called I could hear Lilly crying in the background and Amarillis asked me to call back in about 30 minutes so she could give her her bath. So, for the first time I actually knew exactly what Lilly was doing in Guatemala. But, instead of feeling comforting (like I thought it would) it was just sad. I knew what I was missing! I called later and talked to Amarillis...well...she tealked a lot and I think I understood a good chunk. I could make out that Lilly had been sick and on antibiotics for 8 days. I tried to ask if it was sinus or stomach or what...and it sounded like it was from the teething pain. Not really something we use antibiotics for here in the States...but what are you going to do? Then she put Lilly on the phone. And, totally appropriate to her 7 month old self she got immediately silent and tried to eat the phone best I could tell. I could hear Amarillis telling her "say hola to your mami," which somehow seemed really sad.

My totally understanding and saintly family put up with me not only being moody but gimpy as well all weekend and even took me home early when I was just too worn out at the family Christmas gathering (still couldn't really drive w/ the bum leg).

I keep trying to be upbeat and put a positive spin on everything...like this will be my last Christmas without Lilly, or better to be on crutches when she is not here, etc - but I am quite frankly really tired of trying to be positive about things that stink!!!

But, as I crawled (litterally) exhausted into bed at 8:30 last night (also litterally) I was pleased that I had survived Christmas (ok - and grateful for the major pain meds that lovely ED doc gave me Friday night). Some parts made me sad. Some parts made me hopeful. And, my wonderful family is so supportive that some parts were fun and joyful. There were a couple little tears, but no major breakdowns, so that was good. And, in only 5 more days it will be 2007 which is the year Lilly will come home.

Feliz Navidad

Just wanted to wish everyone a muy Feliz Navidad.

Sprained my ankle Friday evening and ended up on crutches after a night in my hospital's emergency dept (for all you RHS folks the wait was short and service was great...phew). Anyway...having crutches and not having Lilly is NOT how my heart had pictured this Christmas. But, as I was in the ED with my mom Friday night I said to her that even with the ankle nonsense, this Friday was better than the previous Friday when I had gotten into such a gross phone call with my agency. This week I know I am out of Minor's Court! And, I am going to try to call Lilly tomorrow. Hope it works and I hope they are home and she is awake when I call!!!

So...crutches are ok...just a reminder of the many people I have had to lean on this year to make it through all this nonsense. And...heck...I am QUICKLY building that upper arm strength. This is just my little bicep training crash course so I will be all strong when she comes home.

Hope you have a wonderful Christmas. And, if you are blessed enough to be with those people most important to you this holiday, give them a great big hug and don't be the first one to let go. Love, C

PRAISE GOD WE ARE OUT OF MINOR'S COURT!!!

Just got an email from my 2 guardian angels/Santa's helpers (my "new" lawyers) and they told me our file was released from Minor's Court / Investigation in a "favorable way"!!!! YEA!!! SANTA CAME EARLY !!!

While it has been almost 3 months that we have been in investigation, I had been told to expect we would be there for several more months. But they decided it was clearly a typo and there was no fraud involved...YEA!!! So now our file goes back "upstairs" (Minor's Court is physically located in the basement of PGN) to be sent to a reviewing attorney to find the 2 problems we know of and have him issue the previos and then have his boss sign off on it and get kicked out. As everyone is basically on vacation through the rest of the year, that will happen early January. SOOOOOO I am HOPING for a kick out mid January. Then I wait on the birth certificate to be corrected (not letting that burst my bubble today) and then re-submit with that and my embassy pre-approval. Still a long road ahead...but I feel like I have been granted a shorter sentance in PGN!

Pretty amazing timing with my story of the homeless man praying for me yesterday huh? I need to have him pray for Lilly and I more often!

Hoping Santa brings you what you want for Christmas...he already did for me.

God Works in Mysterious Ways

Thursday and Friday were very frustrating adoption days (or maybe now it should be my adoption DAZE), but I had an amazing experience in church this morning that makes it all feel more survivable.

At the end of this week I was finally able to get my agency to admit that the lawyer hasn't actually started the process to fix the birth certificate. Well - first they said they didn't know if they had fixed it or not. That sent me into ballistic mode and then Friday I was told they realized they hadn't started to fix it yet.

When I was in GC for my first visit I noticed that there was a mistake on Lilly's bc misstating the birthmother's age. I know these kinds of problems are significant and let my agency know right away (yes - that would be 4 MONTHS AGO). Since then I have been asking about it frequently and kept being told not to worry that the lawyers were totally aware of the problem and had it under control. Well, I have now got some additional folks helping me in GC who had pulled the bc from the Civil Registry in November and discovered it hadn't been corrected. So, now the agency is telling me that the lawyer has started the process (I know it is a long process which is why I have been so persistent about getting it done) and that I should just "trust that the lawyer is working on it and not ask every day." AARRRRGGGGHHH!!!! It is really enough to drive one to drink.

So, this week has been one of trying to handle my anger, distrust and utter frustration at all of this. While my instinct is to call and just cuss out anyone and everyone involved, my brain knows perfectly well that would harm my situation. So, I have to play nice and placate these aggravating people. I have also been struggling because I really have trusted my caseworker through all of this. I still want to trust her, and I have been struggling with whether or not she is just willingly naive or if I need to through her in the pile with all the other aggravating folks. I know that sounds minor, but for some reason it feels big. (Lil's expression in this pic sums up my feelings).

AND, the other part is that I had told my agency that I had hired these new folks in GC to help get more information (only told them since Pablo - the agency rep - saw me meeting with them). But, when I told my caseworker I specifically asked them not to let my main lawyer know. Well, they told me Friday that he knows about it, so I need to back off a little. Just hurts that I have trusted these folks and they did exactly what I asked them not to do. And, I still have to trust them as they are the only ones who can get my daughter home!

So - this is the mindset I entered the weekend with, and the one I went to church this morning with. Now - for those of you who aren't familiar with my church- it is an inner city church, and the service I attend is pretty much all homeless men and me and the priest. There is a more "conventional" congregation at the later service, but I have been going to the early one throughout the adoption as these guys are experts at living in the moment. And, they don't ask me tons of questions about Lilly. They will ask "where da baby at" and I will say she's in Guatemala, and they are totally satisfied with that answer. So, in many ways it has been a safe shelter for me through all of this. So, today after the service one of the guys pulled me aside in the back of the church asking if he could speak to me a minute. It was someone I recognized, but I did not know his name or his story. I was sort of preparing myself for him to ask me for money or a bus token or something, which is something I get a couple times a year. But, he surprised me. Here I was thinking he was asking me for help, but he had the help. He said he didn't know my name but that when he had been praying in church God had revealed to him that I was struggling with a heavy burden and that he was supposed to pray for me. Totally caught me off guard! So, I told him about Lilly and that I had learned of some frustrating delays this week and was struggling with them. He said, well God feels your burden and I just had to share that with you and I will be praying for you. Then he went off to get the breakfast after the service and I was just there trying to absorb what had just happened.

Today's readings and sermons were about getting rid of the greed in our lives. The reading said if you have two coats and see someone without one, give it to him. And, then Isabel (my priest) said that many of the folks didn't have 2, or maybe even one coat, but that the point was to not be greedy (and I was thinking of my 5+ coats in my closet). So here I was thinking about the THINGS that I should share when this man came up and ministered to me. God does work in mysterious ways.

She's 7 Months Old!

Lilly turned 7 months old yesterday! My prayer is that sometime in the next 5 months she comes home. I reeeeaaaaallllllly want to have her home before her first birthday! I got another email from Amarillis, and she said Lilly is doing well and growing every day. No real news from a case perspective. Still arguing with my agency about getting proof the birth certificate is fixed...but its a moot point until I get out of investigation anyway, which could still be months, so I haven't gotten toooo nasty yet (but I have been very clear in warning them the nasty me will come out if I don't get it fixed). And, about this time of year everyone in PGN (and Minors Court) goes on vacation anyway. Can't really complain - this is a terribly unproductive time everywhere in the world. The holiday slackerness is certainly not limited to the Guatemalan legal system!

Put my tree up this weekend. First thing on it was the lights that I take with me to the hotel room in Guatemala (so I don't have to turn on the main hotel room light in the middle of the night for bottle feedings). Second thing was her silver rattle - first "ornament" on my tree. It reminds me that she will be here for Christmases to come...and that some day it will hang in her home for her Christmases (thank you Ginny for the perfect gift!).

Thought I would post a couple pics. Some from Guatemala (she's showing Granpa Jack who is boss), one of the rattle on the tree, and one of my cat that cracks me up. My heat hasn't been working reliably. The thermostat read 49 degrees on Saturday! But, Sunday it worked most of the day and so of course I let the house get really toasty. I found my kitty wedged between a base heater and the basking sunlight coming in the storm door. It was hilarious. It was like he had to soak in every ounce of warmth in case his crazy mom let the house get cold again!

Progress

No - not that kind of progress. My update from the "new" lawyers today is that they went and checked in at Minors Court (where the investigation is done) and there is nothing to report, which they said will probably be the case for the next several months. But, I am still glad they go check it out, remind the court someone cares, and then let me KNOW nothing is happening as opposed to WONDERING if nothing is happening. Its all a head-game...but somehow that is easier!

Anyway - the progress was actually two fold...on the petty side - I finally unpacked my suitcases and moved them from the floor in the living room and dining room where they have been the past 8 days. That is progress! My cat no longer thinks I am about to leave him again. While 8 days is a pitifully long time - I can plead illness...I caught that ugly GI bug that normal people got rid of in 2 days but took me 4-5 (but, hey, I lost 7-8 lbs!). So, today I am feeling good again, so the suitcases were the first to go.

BUT - the FUN part of today was that I got an email from Amarillis!!!! It is the first time she has emailed me (left my email address with her over Thanksgiving and have been religiously checking my yahoo account ever since). I am not really sure I am "supposed" to email the foster family but I am to the point where I don't really give a flying fig what I am "supposed" to do. Anyway, it was of course in Spanish so I called Maren at home and she patiently listened while I tried to read it (much to the amusement of my co-workers who could hear me I am sure) and she translated it back sentence by sentence. The challenging part was that it wasn't just Spanish - it was email shorthand spanish (like LOL etc). So...I still don't know what "q d q" means, but some of life's mysteries are best left unsolved I guess. But, she said Lilly (or 'princesa' as she calls her) is doing great and growing every day. She said she was a bit "intranquila" when we left but that little by little she was calming down back to her old self. As terrible as it is to take joy in your child's unhappiness...I must admit that knowing she recognizes my absence in someway makes me feel really really good. I don't want her to miss me as much as I miss her (that would be cruel and unusual punishment), but I do want her to miss me a little! AND Amarillis left her phone number so I can call and "listen to Lilly" whenever I want to. I am so blessed to have Amarillis!!!

Anyway - just thought I would share the good day and a couple more pics. I especially love the one of her dancing on the table. There was marimba (like a traditional Guatemalan xylophone that plays salsa-like music) music playing at an outside party and she was ready to get down. You can from the expression on her face how pleased she is with herself...love, c

Glimpses Into Life at Lilly's Foster Home

Just thought I would share some pictures that the foster family took on the disposable cameras I left with them. I am so glad they were willing to share their life with me! The other baby you see with Lilly is Jonathan, a second foster child who is about 3 months younger than Lilly. Aren't they adorable together? Not quite sure what the story is on the picture with the seemingly random Mormon missionaries. But, my current theory is that the foster family is Mormon. One of the things I found most interesting is the picture of her in the bouncy seat I left last time with the kitchen in the background. Looks like some propane tanks in the back...which I am assuming run teh stove. Anyway...very grateful for this glimpse into the world where my daughter is growing up!

More stories & pictures from our visit... (long)

I have finally had a minute to get my head together. Suitcases are still in the hall by the front door & not unpacked...but you better believe all gazillion pictures have been ordered & picked up from Walgreens with my favorites already in 5x7s!

The trip was really good. I seem to have been incredibly blessed with a softening of my anger when we got there. I had been so bitter and angry and upset about everything and was so worried that would ruin my trip...or worse yet that Lilly would pick up on it. But, as soon as she was in my arms I could feel everything sort of falling back into place. The first night she was freaked out...and I was up every couple hours trying to rick her back to sleep and being so ticked at the process and mistakes people had made that put my daughter in a position where she was so frightened. But, we both made it through the night, and by Friday morning she was really doing fine...and was smiling and giggling like she had been with me all along. She is teething and also had a cold ( "un gripe" pronouced greee-pay), so she was easily worn out, but she was great.

She put absolutely eveyrthing in her mouth and loved reaching for toys. She did turn over onto her stomach while we were there, but she clealry doesn't spend much time on her tummy as she has no arms strength to hold herself up with. It was so cute...she would try and push up to reach for something and then would just lay her head on the floor for a minute to rest before trying again! My whole family was convinced she was ready to try some real food, but we didn't want to cause chaos for the foster mom. So, when they came to pick her up we said something to her. And her reply..."Oh, she's been eating bananas and rice cereal for weeks. I just didn't tell you obecause I thought it would be too complicated!" Too funny. No wonder she looked at us like we were greedy American food mongers who wouldn't share! And...no wonder she took 50% more formula than the foster mom said she was taking...she was hungry without the "real food"!

Since she was getting over a cold, I didn't take her in the pool until the last day. SHE LOVED IT! She was splashing away and trying desperately to go under water despite our firm committment to keep her little ears above the water. After a while my mom said "Lilly, do you want to get out of the pool?" And she immediately and violently shook her head no-no-no. Now...even if a 6 month old could understand language...she really wouldn't know a foreign language, but she knew exactly what she meant despite those barriers! She also loved her daily bath and could stay in the water all day.

I have a lot of stories and pictures...but I will save some for the coming weeks and months with nothing to share. But, the sweetest thing - and the thing that was most comforting to me - is that there was definitely some recognition of familiarity. I don't know if she "remembers" us from August, or if the tape recorder she hears of me reading and singing every night has done it, but she knew we were safe. The foster mother said she won't go to anyone else - even Amaryllis' friends. But, she came right to me with no hesitation. And, when she was the most upset, I would sing a lullaby that I sang on the tape, and she would instantly stop crying. It really is amazing. I am so grateful to the email buddies who suggested sending a tape of my voice...and even more grateful that the foster mother plays it for her every day!

As far as "case" progress...the news is still long-term, but at least I am hearing from my new lawyers daily with pieces of information. As I learned last week, our case had been sent to investigation in Minors Court a month and a half ago. But, since then it has basically been waiting in line to even have the invetsigation start. But, I learned that it has started this week. Unfortunately, the investigation will take several months...and more during the holidays due to vacations. But, at least it has started. All because of a stupid typo on the birth certificate. But, by teh grace of God I am not bitter about it right now. Please pray this attitude lasts!

I want to leave with one thought...I went to a work dinner last night about hospice, and there was an incredible quote in the presentation. I wish I had copied it down verbatim, but I wasn't that quick. But, the idea was that humans have an incredible ability and need to hold both hope and reality in their hands at the same time. And...that is what I am trying to do.

Quick Post...More Pics Tomorrow - I Promise!

Hi everyone...its late and has been a very long day (got home from the airport around 1 am this morning and then work today and a dinner meeting this evening...so I am zonked!), so I thought I would just post a couple of pics as a fun sampling of things to come.... enjoy...I know I did! The first two are from Thanksgiving Dinner (well...Guatemalan Italian Restaurant Style) with the foster family. They brought her in this adorable Christmas outfit w/ that cute red beret. They had not known we were coming, so threw it together at the last minute. They had even cut her hair for the first time that morning! Can you imagine how long it must have been???

Hola from Guatemala

Hey everyone...just wanted to check in from the Westin in Guatemala City. It has been a good visit, and Lilly is currently zonked out for her morning nap. Last night was a HUGE success and she slept from 10:30 to 5:30 this morning!!!! Definietly a first and definietly an achievement MOMMY was sooooo happy about.

It has been a good and difficult trip at the same time. I met this morning with some new attorneys who I am working with to help get more information about my case. The information isn´t good, but at least it is information I trust. The short of it is that the invetsigation hasnt started yet...probably another couple weeks until it does. Then it should take several months. But...then once we are out of investigation we should get out of PGN pretty rapidly. So...maybe March or April??? Not the Christmas homecoming I had envisioned, but we are in it for the long haul and whatever it takes I´ll do. Í hadn´t planned to tell my agency about the new lawyers, but while I was meeting with them the local agency guy walked through the lobby and saw us - and gave us QUITE a look. So, at this point I am sure my agency knows now whether I like it or not. What can you do?

I´ll post pictures and more fun stories Wednesday evening when I am home. Please keep us all in your prayers tomorrow...giving her back is soooo hard. Last time I cried all the way to Atlanta. Hope tomorrow is smoother.

Rough Day

It has been a difficult and overwhelming couple of days. I had reached my breaking point of patience with the whole process and decided that passive contentment with the process was harming my daughter. So, I started getting demanding. And, while it hasn't helped bring Lil home any faster, it has unearther A LOT more information than I had 48 hours ago.

Learned today that unlike what I had been led to believe, my case has not been collecting dust on someone's desk for the past 16 weeks. In fact, a PGN attorney reviewed it several months ago, found something that concerned him or her and moved the entire case to investigation in the Minor's Court. That happened "about a month and a half ago." Uh Huh. Anyway, I can't get a clear picture of how this will affect me exactly, but it is most assuredly bad news. Some cases never make it through minors court. Let me be clear...that is not hyperbole or drama...the cases get denied. In the meantime, Lilly could be removed from the foster home she is in - the only home and mother she knows - and placed in an orphanage under the guardianship of the court. That is not common - but it does happen. So - the worst 2 scenarios are 1) I never get her or 2) she is moved into an orphanage for the time being. Best case scenario: I get approved from investogations soon and back into PGN so I can try (AGAIN) to get kicked out and try (AGAIN) to get back in. More likely scenario: this drags on for a very long time.

This has all been so much to absorb. And, it certianly makes you question those in whome you have put all of your trust. But, today did make it easier for me to make a decision about getting some additional help in Guatemala to better understand what questions I need to be asking.

Good news: I am going to Guatemala on Thursday, and will hopefully spend Thanksgiving dinner with my WHOLE family, including my parents, my sister, MY DAUGHTER, her foster mother, her foster mother's daugher & the second foster child. Won't exactly be turkey by the fireplace, but I will spend the day with those people I am most thankful to have in my life. ANd, while there, Maren - my wonderful leagal eagle/spansih speaking sister - and I are hoping to be able to do a little more in-country research and talk to some folks with some more insight into all of this.

Soooo...I don't even know where to begin when asking for prayer requests. I haven't been crying today - I think I am a combination of numb and angry. But, that's ok - nobody likes sobbing uncontrollably anyway. BUT - I pray for the folks helping us in Guatemala - that they can find out what needs to be done and help make it happen. I pray for Lilly to be able to stay with Amaryllis and NOT got to an orphanage. I pray she will be in my arms permanently sooner rather than later. I pray for safe travel - and that everyone stays healthy this time. I pray for patience, strength and a calm but determined heart. I pray.... honestly when I pray all I can get out anymore is "please" and "help." But I think that really covers it. I pray....

Rough Day

It has been a difficult and overwhelming couple of days. I had reached my breaking point of patience with the whole process and decided that passive contentment with the process was harming my daughter. So, I started getting demanding. And, while it hasn't helped bring Lil home any faster, it has unearther A LOT more information than I had 48 hours ago.

Learned today that unlike what I had been led to believe, my case has not been collecting dust on someone's desk for the past 16 weeks. In fact, a PGN attorney reviewed it several months ago, found something that concerned him or her and moved the entire case to investigation in the Minor's Court. That happened "about a month and a half ago." Uh Huh. Anyway, I can't get a clear picture of how this will affect me exactly, but it is most assuredly bad news. Some cases never make it through minors court. Let me be clear...that is not hyperbole or drama...the cases get denied. In the meantime, Lilly could be removed from the foster home she is in - the only home and mother she knows - and placed in an orphanage under the guardianship of the court. That is not common - but it does happen. So - the worst 2 scenarios are 1) I never get her or 2) she is moved into an orphanage for the time being. Best case scenario: I get approved from investogations soon and back into PGN so I can try (AGAIN) to get kicked out and try (AGAIN) to get back in. More likely scenario: this drags on for a very long time.

This has all been so much to absorb. And, it certianly makes you question those in whome you have put all of your trust. But, today did make it easier for me to make a decision about getting some additional help in Guatemala to better understand what questions I need to be asking.

Good news: I am going to Guatemala on Thursday, and will hopefully spend Thanksgiving dinner with my WHOLE family, including my parents, my sister, MY DAUGHTER, her foster mother, her foster mother's daugher & the second foster child. Won't exactly be turkey by the fireplace, but I will spend the day with those people I am most thankful to have in my life. ANd, while there, Maren - my wonderful leagal eagle/spansih speaking sister - and I are hoping to be able to do a little more in-country research and talk to some folks with some more insight into all of this.

Soooo...I don't even know where to begin when asking for prayer requests. I haven't been crying today - I think I am a combination of numb and angry. But, that's ok - nobody likes sobbing uncontrollably anyway. BUT - I pray for the folks helping us in Guatemala - that they can find out what needs to be done and help make it happen. I pray for Lilly to be able to stay with Amaryllis and NOT got to an orphanage. I pray she will be in my arms permanently sooner rather than later. I pray for safe travel - and that everyone stays healthy this time. I pray for patience, strength and a calm but determined heart. I pray.... honestly when I pray all I can get out anymore is "please" and "help." But I think that really covers it. I pray....

Spoke with Heidi...

I had a long talk with Heidi (my Case Worker at the Adoption Agency). It was good - of course she didn't have any more information, but it was helpful to talk through all my concerns and questions. The (relatively) good news is that now she is going to call me when anythings happens. The attorney & Maria (head Guatemala lady) know to let us know if there is any progress - so I don't have to wait for the 2 weeks updates. So - good if I hear something, but no guarantees.

I am not a big poem person, but a friend gave me this the other day and I really liked it - so I thought I would share it. I like it, but I know I don't/can't do all that it says - but somehow marinating in the idea is comforting.

Be patient toward all that
is unresolved in your heart
And try to love the questions
themselves. Do not seek
the answers which cannot
be given you because you would
not be able to live them.
And the point is to live everything.
So live the questions now...
-Rilke

Trying to live in the moment and trying to live the questions...but still struggling...

Call it mother's intuition...

I just KNEW there would be more disappointing news today...and I was right. One of the few times I would love to be wrong. I couldn't sleep last night because I knew my case report was due today. I just knew it would be bad and I was trying to figure out how to mentally prepare and not go into another tailspin. And, sure enough, it was in my inbox by 8 am this morning..."still no movement." At least my case worker took pity on me this time and tried to soften the blow a little by adding a few more sentences about how she and Maria (the head Guatemalan lady for the agency) would be working hard to get some more information. Needless to say...it is unhappy news but not unexpected.

I am trying to get a phone appointment with my case worker for today or tomorrow to ask some tough questions. I know she won't have any answers right away, but it just seems that this sticking with the same plan & expecting different outcomes is insane.

I am trying to stay positive by reminding myself that Lilly is probably getting a doctor's check up today or tomorrow - which would hopefully mean more pictures. She turned 6 months old on Saturday! And, if the planets continue to align, I will hopefully get to see her next week. Though - still not convinced of that either. Please keep us in your prayers...for quick resolution (or at this point any forward motion) and continued patience and sanity for me - especially in the area of my quickly fading attention span!

I'll let you all know if/when I learn any more....c

Discouraged

I don't know if I am anxious about the bad news I am convinced I will get in my case report Monday or what, but I have been extremely discouraged the past couple days. I can honestly say that some days I am not sure I really believe she will ever be home. But...then I keep at it and keep trying to make plans for when she will be home. I guess I am basically trying to fake it 'til I make it.

I talked to my case worker earlier this week and she was supportive, though not terribly encouraging. But, she did say we could plan on our Thanksgiving trip - while being aware it could get cancelled at the last minute. So - you would think I would be thrilled about that. I am surprised I am not. I think deep down inside I am not convinced that will happen either. Though...I did wash a lot of her cute little clothes this evening to take on the trip.

I can't explain this feeling of being stuck in a netherworld like this. It is so discouraging and very isolating. I am very grateful to those of you who are sticking by me through my moodiness and discouraged spirit. I appreciate your ongoing prayers...not only for a quick process but also for trust and a renewed spirit.

Hanging in there as best I can...Carrie

Twas the Night Before Christmas and All Through The House...

While you might think that is my description of the work being accomplished in PGN...its not (though totally applicable!). I have no news to report, but had to tell you about 3 different things.... So, for having nothing to tell you - this will be a long entry!

This weekend my parents came over and we put together the crib and arranged the furniture in Lilly's room. It is great to have her room almost done. A couple coats of paint on a few "recycled" pieces of furniture and it really will be complete. So - I've posted a few pics of the room so you can all ooh and aaah along with me. I wondered how I would feel having her empty crib here, but it hasn't been bad at all. Just waiting for the life that I have faith will one day be here. You can see Didgy (my cat) checking it out. He seems to be reserving judgment for now.

I had actually ordered the crib about 5 months ago, as I had read that it could take 3 months to arrive. But, it came in less than a week! I came home from work and there is this GIANT box leaning against my front door. It was so heavy that I couldn't lift it, so I just sort of tipped it onto its side and slid it into the house. I slid it between the wall and the back of my sofa to try and keep it out of the way. Didgy loved to play back there - but I guess I just thought he liked nooks and crannies. Hmmm...hindsight...

On Sunday mom and I slid the big box from the living room where it has been all these months into the baby's room (love first floor living!). We got all the zillion pieces out of the box and I was dragging the empty boxes back into the living room when I saw it...MOUSE CARNAGE! It was this totally flattened mouse that had clearly been killed by a giant crib box blow to the body...many months ago. YUCK!!!! For those of you who don't know me very well...I just don't do rodents. I can handle blood, snakes, hurricanes,power outages, construction and even single parent adoption...but we all have a line past which we just don't function. And, mine is rodents. So....seeing this flattened creature I very maturely screamed for my mom. Who, laughing hysterically, came to check the situation out. Luck for me I have one of those moms who is not phased by mice. Her line past which nothing works consists of conservative republican spin-masters on Sunday morning news shows, but I digress. Anyway...mom very heroically scraped the poor sucker off my floor with a putty knife while Dad and I worked on putting together the crib (part 107h to 569B and so forth - no one wins in a situation like that!). So, when I timidly stuck my head out the door to ask if it was gone yet - she laughed and said...well the body is, but I think we have a problem. And - she wasn't kidding! Apparently that poor rotting creature (yes - you could smell it once we moved the box) had its little organic chemistry experiment with my hardwood floors, and now I have a mouse CSI crime scene in my living room. You can see in the picture that the dark blob is not only in the general shape of mickey...but you can even see the poor sucker's little ears pointing out!!! AAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!! We (and by "we" of course I mean mom) tried clorox and comet and nothing was working. I am tempted to just pour red wine on my floor so that I will have a generic stain as opposed to the chalk outline of the dead mouse. But, then again, maybe the outline will serve as a warning to his other little rodent friends to steer clear of my place! And - no, I haven't quite figured out how it happened. I can only conclude either that I tipped the box onto the mouse at just the right (or wrong depending on your perspective) moment, or (and this is where I am leaning) it somehow came in from the UPS truck and the murder was actually by the UPS man and not me. One of those great mysteries that will remain unsolved. But, I do now have a permanent reminder on my floor of the night I put together Lilly's crib. And...it does seem to fit with my whole Advent approach if you think about it...."Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even and MOUSE."

Hmmm....hard to transition from that to much else. But, I did want to share that tonight, thanks to the magic of TIVO, I got to watch the Sesame Street episode that aired today. I had been hearing about this for at least 6 months now on various adoption boards. One of the main Sesame Street characters (Gina - apparently a single woman who is the veterinarian on Sesame Street) is adopting a baby from Guatemala. And, the episode today dealt with "what is adoption," as well as with her leaving to go pick up her new son in Guatemala who is now 10 months old (that part is VERY believable). Tomorrow the story line continues as Gina and Marco come home. But, I was so thrilled to see a family that looks like mine...single caucasian woman adopting a Guatemalan infant - depicted on Sesame Street! It was a great model of how to explain things to kids of different ages. And, you better believe I am saving it on tape!

So...there are my chuckles for the night. The wait is still agonizing. But, you have to laugh at life along the way. Thanks for hanging in there with us during this whole trip...Carrie (&Lilly)

Another Update - Another Two Weeks Wasted

Well...got my update today. Still nothing. NOTHING!!! No one has even looked at my darn file. So - still waiting to get kicked back out so I can get back in & wait again. ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

I have come to the conclusion that "In PGN" actually stands for "In Purgatory & Going Nowhere." I always think I am prepared for this type of bad news...and then when it comes I am never ready for it.

On a more hopeful note...my parents have helped me do a lot of painting, and Lilly's room is pretty much done and ready for the crib (though at this pace she'll be too bog for a crib by the time she gets home!). So...here are some pictures of the nursery in progress.

My Own Personal Advent

They say people cope with the wait of adoption in many different ways. One way I have been handling it is by treating it like one long, personal Advent season. Liturgically it seems to fit - I am preparing myself for the arrival of a child, just like the concept of Advent before Christmas. Advent is a time a waiting and preparation, so it has seemed a good parallel for me during this time. Soooo...I have been using an Advent Calendar to help me mark my wait.

Lilly was born on a Thursday. Then, three weeks later she came into my life on a Thursday. So, I have been marking my wait by removing one "block" from my advent calendar every Thursday. Well...Today she is officially 24 weeks old, and so Santa Clause fell into the fireplace on my Advent Calendar. What is so fitting is that today is also our 3 month "anniversary" of being in PGN. So...it seems those symbols appropriately converged today.

What seems silly to confess is that I have been really wondering what I would do to mark my wait once I hit today. Should I move one block a day and maybe go through the calendar 2-3 more times? Do I start over and put Santa back at the top of the chimney and keep with the Thursday plan? I can honestly say I haven't decided yet. I am leaning towards putting one block back in every Thursday and praying I don't get all the way through again. Oh please God, let us be more than halfway done with our wait!

Happy 1/2 Birthday Jackson!

Well...the wait continues. No real news to pass along. Heard a hopeful and positive (and hopefully true) rumor today from my case manager that the police harassment has calmed down and that the medical visits will be reinstated...yeah! And...hopefully that the travel ban will be lifted in another couple weeks. So...in holding out hope for that I went ahead and re-booked the plans to go visit her at Thanksgiving. We shall see...my fingers and toes and eyes are all crossed wishing it to be true. But, if not, we just pay the change fee and use the tickets to go pick her up SOMEDAY at the end of all of this.

But...today I wanted to wish Mr. Jackson a very happy 6 month birthday! This is the picture Kendra shared with me from his September appointment/pictures (about a month ago). Isn't he a cutie???? As hard as this adoption roller coaster is...it would be exponentially harder without dear friends going through it at the same time. That has been such a blessing.

I cannot wait until the day when Jackson and Lilly look back on all these pictures their parents have shared with everyone in absolute embarassment. By then...this agonizing waiting will be a very distant memory. Until then...please continue to keep us all in your prayers.

More Upsetting News

After my disheartening news on Monday, I had decided that I needed to go back to Guatemala sooner rather than later. If I am not going to be able to bring her hom until January or February, I need to see her again! So, this morning I sent of the reservation to the hotel to spend a long Thanksgiving weekend in Guatemala City with little Lilly.

Then about 2 hours later I received the bad news that teh agency has suspended all visit trips to Guatemala, and all physician appointments for the children for the safety of the babies & foster families. Apparently in the past few days the police have been harassing the foster mothers at the western hotels as well as at the pediatrician offices that serve the adoption community. There is word that there was some sort of a raid by the police at the Marriott last night. Details are pretty sketchy. But, the agency has said that it just isn't safe to put the foster fmaiies or babies in that situation, so we cannot go visit. I am glad they are putting the safety of the children first. But, it just heightens my desire to get her out of there as soon as I can!

I still have that feeling that she is standing on thin ice and I am just helplessly watching it melt and crack.

Please keep us in your prayers....Carrie

Got My Case Update :(

Received my case update from the adoption agency today: no change. I am still in PGN and still waiting to get kicked out. Very disapointing, but not really shocking.

It is just so aggravating to know my case is sitting in some file and is on someone's desk just sitting there and no one has even looked at it - and it has been there almost THREE MONTHS (since July 26th)!!!

Meanwhile, Lilly is growing up and I am missing it - and the file is still sitting there getting dusty. I can't be approved until I get kicked out and re-enetered and then get put back on someone's desk - and God only knows how long it will take once we are back in?!?!? Another three months?!?!?!?

Please keep us in your prayers. I need prayers of patience and trust and a calm heart. And please pray that the file gets looked at soon so we can keep things moving forward. My dreams of having her home by the end of the year are quickly fading......

I Got Pictures!

Was delighted to find two emails in my inbox this morning from the agency - with the September AND October Medical Updates w/ pictures. YEA!!! The really amazing thing is that the October appointment was yesterday - so the October pictures are less than 24 hours old!!! Amazing! The top picture was taken yesterday. The next two were taken in September. Her hair is getting long!!!

The other good news from our family today is that Maren found out she passed the Virginia Bar!!! Yea!!! I know Lilly is as proud of her Tia Maren as the rest of us!

She's 5 Month's Old Today!

Sooo Big! Well..I am sure she is. I just don't know how big since I am not there! Hard missing another milestone today. Harder not knowing how many more I will have to miss. Several folks asked me today if I was going to have her home by Christmas...and I had to answer honestly...I don't know, but it isn't looking promising. So - I hope so, but I doubt it.

I loved this picture (below) where she was sleeping on her belly on my lap at the hotel. You can see the ring around her mouth from the pacifier and she was just too cute. But - that picture was almost two months ago.

I wonder how she has changed?

Just Checking In - Nothing New to Report

I don't really have any update to share...but I thought I would post anyway. I like this picture of Lilly from my visit trip as it is sort of how I feel right now...ZONKED! Wish I could say "just wake me when its all over," but of course it doesn't really work that way!

I am now about a month overdue for pictures from Lilly's September medical visit, but since she will probably go to the pediatrician again this week (she turns 5 months on Wednesday!!!), I am going to wait until Thursday to call and start pestering folks.

The good news of the week is that several other families I care a lot about had great weeks on the adoption front. My friends Kendra & Coop got pre approval AND pictures (I swear - I really am not jealous). Then, my case manager Heidi FINALLY got to go pick up her daughter in Guatemala with her Embassy appointment on Friday. She and her husband Chad had already adopted a baby girl about 2 years ago, and now have adopted an older, "waiting" child who is 6 years old. I am so happy for them - Karina needs to get home as soon as she can. Its a much tougher transition for a 6 year old than for someone who's age is measured in months. Then, finally, my internet friend Amy also was able to finally get her Embassy appointment Friday, and she will be bringing Gabi home for good on Sunday. She had a long, hard struggle with PGN and didn't get out of PGN until she was in Guatemala visiting for Gabi's first birthday. So - I definitely don't begrudge any of those families their great weeks!

That said, I did have a grouchy/falling off the wagon day on Thursday. Stupidly, I logged onto the email listservs I had stopped reading (because they made me grouchy) and saw a family posting about how they were "finally" out of PGN after being "stuck" for 7 weeks. Of course, I have been in PGN 2 1/2 months and am just hoping to get kicked out so I can get back in. So, that sent me over the edge. Ugh. Trying to get back to the good place I had been the couple weeks where I was focused on being excited to be her mom instead of focused on what I am missing. But, some days are easier than others.

So - that's the news from Newport News. I promise to post some of the video as soon as I get some technical assistance. And, as soon as I get September or October pictures, I promise to post those too. Please keep us in your prayers...especially that we hurry up & get kicked out so we can get back in!

Today's Update - good news, bad news and amusing news

Thank you so much for all of your support and good wishes in the past few days. As you can see from the blog, Thursday and Friday were very difficult days for me. But, things seem to be going a little better in Guatemala right now (all things being relative, of course).

GOOD NEWS: Best I can put together - the President & First Lady have withdrawn the Executive Order at this point. Don't know if or when it will re-surface, but the State Department is telling us that "it is no longer a threat." I very much want to believe them, but I am (understandably) cautious. So - theoretically - international adoptions can continue as usual in Guatemala for the time being.

BAD NEWS: In the practical (and selfish) reality of "what does this mean for Lilly and me," it is unclear. I got news today that my case update is "no change." I am still in PGN and still waiting to be kicked out. While I had hoped for better news...this is exactly what I expected. With all of the turmoil of the past few weeks, I did not think that PGN would be processing anything, but would instead wait to see the outcome of the executive order issue before moving forward. Hopefully now that is settled someone can dig my file out of the pile and kick me out so I can hurry up and get back in. I especially want to be out before the end of the year now in case this issue flares up again at the January 1 deadline that has been mentioned.

AMUSING NEWS: The funny part of this is more of an anecdote than news...but here goes....

Friday I was still so upset from everything that I really wasn't thinking very clearly. I was going to Asheville, NC for the weekend to meet up with old friends, but I was so distraught Thursday night that I couldn't pack. So, I left work a little earlier than planned Friday to run home and throw some clothes in a bag before heading to the airport. When I got home, there was a FedEx envelope at my front door. I had been expecting a video from Guatemala, as one of the social workers had been to visit the various foster families. So, I was suddenly thrilled, ripped open the envelop and ran to the TV. Well, the disc wouldn't play in my DVD player. So, I headed upstairs and tried my computer. No luck. So, I threw everything in a suitcase & ran back by work on the way to the airport to try that computer. Again, no luck. So, I headed to the airport w/ the DVD in my purse and caught my flight. Once in Atlanta, my connecting flight was delayed 2 1/2 hours, so I wandered around the holding this DVD but unable to see it. So - I got the great idea to go to one of those portable DVD rental places to see if it would play. They let me try, but it didn't work. Then they changed my gate, so I changed terminals. There was another DVD rental place, so I thought I would try again (wasn't anything else to do anyway!). First time didn’t work, but the lady behind the counter was so helpful and suggested trying it on one of the expensive models that they just sell (but don't rent). Low and behold...up pops a file...titled "Marcus Enrique." I thought that was weird, but I was so excited I didn't care. Then up pops this video. I am staring at it and it wasn't Lilly. I thought "maybe she's just changed a lot..." but the more I stared at the baby, the more I knew it wasn't her. Looked like a little boy in overalls...maybe 5-6 months old. Cute kid...just not my kid. So I said something like..."oh, that's not my child," and the lady behind the counter says "well, he does look Hispanic." So, I tried to explain that my child was Hispanic, that just wasn't her.

So, disappointed, I head on my way to NC and had a lovely weekend. When I got home Sunday night, I swung by my friend Kendra's house (who is also adopting) to see her video, as hers was working on her computer. So, I got to see cute little Jackson and was so jealous they had a video! Then we decided to put in the DVD of Marcus Enrique to compare videos...and up pops a video of Lilly!!!! I was so surprised and so shocked! It was wonderful to see her (she looks great) and I just got to enjoy her for 7 1/2 minutes! The funniest part was that the foster mother said how Lilly had developed some "serious issues" since she had returned from her week w/ me. She is now much more demanding of attention and is much more spoiled!!! Its nice to know she misses me. The foster mother also said Lilly listens to a tape of me reading stories every night as she is falling asleep. And, she is now calling her Lilly Marta (instead of her birth name)...but she still also answers to "princessa."

So, to prove to Kendra & Coop that I wasn’t totally nuts…we tried the disc in their portable DVD player…and low and behold, there is Marcus Enrique and not Lilly. Way beyond me…but it was GREAT to see her.

So now…we just continue to wait. I am so confident I will get to bring her home at some point. I just have no idea when that might be. So…continued prayers would be appreciated. Specifically – prayers for a speedy approval process, for calm in the adoption system in Guatemala, and for Lilly to continue to thrive where she is.

If I can figure out how to post any of the video, I promise I will. Thank you for patience and understanding in all of this!